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What's Wrong with Modern Marriage? CHAPTER IV The preparation for marriage is a very important step to preserve and accomplish it. It takes more than just a few days to reach the point of marriage. Realizing what it is and the seriousness of it will go far to help in the preparation for marriage. So many separations and divorces can be traced to the failure to properly prepare before marriage. In this chapter we want to be concerned with the preparation and also the reasons for preparation. To begin with, suppose we consider the qualifications for marriage. I have already pointed out that just anybody can not be married: certain things are necessary before entering that relationship. The first in order is that marriage must be intended by both parties. It cannot be as an accident and succeed. A definite development of plans and intentions must precede the marriage vows. When men and women step to the sacred moment without plans and intentions the end is almost sure to be a failure. Second in the qualifications for marriage is the freedom of both parties to choose for themselves their companions. When others try to make the choice the result is often disastrous. Any power that forces a man upon a woman or a woman upon a man against their will is bound to adversely affect the union. Sometimes a father or mother will interfere with the plans and intentions of a girl or boy in selecting the companion. I do not advocate that parents should not instruct their children in such matters, but to the contrary, every effort should be made to educate them in these matters. But to go so far as to dictate the very person to whom they should be married is dangerous. Certainly the full purpose can not be in the mind of the boy or girl under such dictation. Parents should place their children in the right surroundings and company and more than likely they will choose their mate from that class. Marriage concerns the two entering it, and they should be free to choose the one for their companion. The third prerequisite to marriage is physical fitness of both parties. In God's plan both man and woman must be physically able to perform their duties to the other in wedlock. Occasionally one will find after marriage that the companion is not capable of discharging his duty in the marriage union, thus creating a condition that wrecks their marriage. In 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 we find clear instructions in the physical duties of men and women in marriage. "Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency." The physical enjoyments that come from marriage cannot be realized unless each of the two are physically able to perform his or her duty to the other. Preparation will assure this qualification. This failure is seen when boys and girls marry too young; or when aged men marry young women, the distance between the two in physical fitness is too much to assure happiness and success. Such hazards to marriage should be avoided. A fourth qualification is that the two to be married should not be close kin. I am not able to say how far distant the kin between these two should be, but near kin will develop the weakness of families. Brothers and sisters are not eligible to marry. Reason will direct the persons to be married in this respect. One more qualification should be included. In order to be subject to marriage, both parties must be free from other wedlock. No man already married should be considered by any young woman in marriage. The same goes for the woman. Disregard for this prerequisite in marriage will cause untold grief in later years. Often one is married to another before he or she knows that the companion has been married before. This always proves disastrous to the innocent party. A careful examination before marriage will, most of the time, eliminate this grief. The purpose of marriage is not intended by one who will so deceive another and defile his life in such a manner. Now that one must intend marriage, be free to choose his mate, be physically fit to perform the duties of marriage, not to close kin, and out of other wedded obligations, let us try to assist the young man in his preparation for marriage. He should give a study to married life, not as it appears in its abused state, but as it was intended by God. He must look at it as a blessing, not a curse. He must learn the design of marriage and what is expected of him. He must calculate as best he can what happiness is to him. Then find a girl who has a reputation that he would be proud of among friends and relatives. A girl who has respect for herself. No serious young man wants a girl to mother his children, to be his companion for life, who has been the property of other men before their marriage. Some boys think it doesn't matter, but they find out differently later on. Finding a girl with a good reputation is the first step in the preparation of a young man for marriage. Next, look for a young lady who sees things much as you do. Compare your views on as many matters as possible and see her reaction. You may begin by expressing the very opposite of what you really think, not that you want to leave her deceived, but that you may know whether or not she really agrees with you or whether she is appearing to agree to continue in your favor. Never leave her to think you hold one position when you really do not. Always tell her the truth in everything as you would expect her to do. Include religious, political, social and entertainment in your investigation. You need not look until you think you have found someone who exactly agrees with you on all things, for that is not likely to happen. But you can find one who generally sees things as you do. This part in your preparation makes adjustment easier and takes out much of the aptness to failure in your marriage. As you go further consider the financial side of marriage. Does the girl you have in mind have a very different standard financially from you? It so often happens that a girl accustomed to anything she wants marries a young man who cannot provide her the things that she had before marriage. The result is much quarreling and even separation. Can you financially afford to assume the responsibilities of a wife? At least some preparation should be made here before marriage begins. It is said that "two can live as cheaply as one." That is not true. Two may live together cheaper than they can live apart, but it costs more for two to live than for one to live. Do not be deceived that you can always marry and then make preparation for the financial obligations later. Then you must consider the habits and dress of your prospective wife. You will be unable to change her much after marriage, so take that into consideration before marriage. If she has evil habits that you detest, learn them before you marry and you will not be sorry. The hope for children is always one of much concern. Sometimes it is wise to seek out this information prior to marriage. A visit to a good physician by both of you will solve this in most cases. Seek out as much of her background as possible before you marry. Skeletons in the closet will bring grief to you later. Talk with her parents when she is not present, if possible. Talk with many of her friends, both men and women. You will have nothing to fear in such an investigation, neither should you fear her looking into your past. All this may sound silly and uncalled for, but knowing the seriousness and permanency of marriage, it is all necessary in preparation for a successful and happy marriage. A few suggestions to the young lady who contemplates marriage. Generally the same pattern could be followed as the one just suggested with perhaps one or two additional ones. Men are more apt to advance to pre matrimonial sexual relations than women. The common question with girls is, "How far can I go?" when such advances are made. I believe I can give you a safe answer to that question. Go no further than you would in the presence of your parents or friends. You will never go wrong stopping there. If your marriage depends upon going further, you don't want that man for a husband. If he will not show more respect for you and himself before marriage than to demand sexual relations, he will not change much after marriage. If he makes such advances on you, he will likewise make advances on other women, even after marriage. You can see in this that his prime object in marriage is the fleshly gratification. You will suffer later if you submit. And then, do you think he would have any respect for you if you submitted? I can tell you he wouldn't. Some men may lower themselves to the level of beasts before marriage, and have sexual relations with every and any woman that comes along, but few seek that type of woman to be their wife. A woman has as much right to demand a husband who is chaste and pure as a man has to demand a woman of that character. If the solemnity of marriage were held in high esteem such questions would not arise. The young woman should measure the personal habits and dress of the man she intends to marry. If he drinks before marriage, you can do little to change him after marriage. Investigate his past as much as possible. It is far better to know of his weaknesses before marriage than to enter the relation and learn that he was not at all the man you thought he was. You cannot do much about it then. Great care should be given to the selection of mates, and preparation for marriage should be given careful thought. The engagement period is also a place to prepare for the marriage. This period is one of close association with each other and their friends. It does not always mean that marriage will be successful in every case, but it does assure more possibility of such. During this period their love should grow stronger, their tastes should become more in harmony. But it will be found that disagreements often occur during this engagement. This will help each to learn to meet these difficulties and end their quarrels without disaster to their love. Each should try to be as natural and down to earth as possible, then when the marriage takes place a great many of their adjustments will already have been solved. More intimate plans and talks will be had during this period, but not the actual functions of the marriage relation. Marriage has not yet begun. These intimate plans serve only to assist in adjustment. When satisfaction has been reached in the engagement, the two then may proceed to become husband and wife and fulfill their planned marriage.
Credit H.E. Phillips and HEPhillips.org
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