What's Wrong With Modern Marriage? Chapter 1, Book by H.E. Phillips: Study the Bible on the Internet. Bible study, sermons, articles, podcast, books, topical index, bio.

The many problems that confront the present and coming generations are great, but perhaps the most common and universal is that of the marriage relationship. We are sometimes called upon to assist some young man or woman, or both, in solving some of their mistakes in marriage. It is certainly deplorable to observe the many types of errors that are involved in present day marriages. I wish to devote this booklet to a general study of marriage and its design in the light of God's word and in the light of reason and decency. My purpose is not to exhaust the subject, but to depict general conditions and give helpful suggestions for improving them. I trust the reader will accept these remarks in the manner in which they are given, for I have no design or delight in wrecking homes, or causing additional disturbances by this booklet, but my aim shall be to put before the reader the Bible principles and human decencies that should regulate marriage.

Marriage is the oldest institution known to man. God, in the very beginning of time, made man and woman and joined them together in a way and manner that pleased Him. The evolutionist will tell us that the whole human race is a "happening," a process of incidents that evolved through time. But this is not a satisfactory explanation to man's presence and purpose. The marriage relationship has much more design than just the aftermath of "happenings." God had a design in bringing man and woman together in what we call marriage. To fail to understand this design or purpose is to cause that marriage to result in misery and discomfort to those involved. The elements of marriage have changed but little since God created the institution, but the knowledge of design has been lost, generally speaking. That, I believe, is the great wrong in modern marriage. We must turn to the Author of marriage to learn the design and then we will be able to get the real worth of the union.

Many things are involved in the marriage relation, and it cannot be purposeful without a knowledge of these things. Marriage is, or should be, the union of a man and woman with a purpose, and the ability of each party to carry out that purpose. Let us point out some of the evils of modern marriage as they often appear.

We can find no better place to begin than with the parents of a young man and woman contemplating marriage. Often the first impulse of a father is to deal with his son as if he were not old enough to take such a step. The boy may be 20 years of age, but to the father he is not old enough. And of course the mother is not willing to see her boy marry and leave home. Whether we see this as an error or not it often develops into one later in the marriage. Now I do not want to be interpreted to say that I do not think a father or mother should advise with their sons and daughters. I do. It would be as much an error not to advise them as it would be to carry it too far. Much of this objection to marriage is because the parents themselves do not understand the true design of marriage. Young men and women gather the idea from associates that marriage is a game. They do not see a design in marriage as they should. The parents should instruct their children in the design of marriage and their attitudes would be different when they come to the point of marriage. But some parents can see only hardships and disappointments for their children in marriage, or visualize their own home without their children. Now what is the remedy for this?

First, fathers are to bring up their sons and daughters in the way of the Lord (Eph. 6:4). Fathers and mothers should teach their children the purpose of marriage: teach them the duties and obligations as well as the blessings of marriage. A son well taught in the marriage duties will not disappoint his wife or his parents in marriage. But the parents themselves must learn the design of marriage in order to teach it to their children.

Of course there are about as many problems in marriage as there are families. It may be inquired: "What if my son selects a girl who is not in his class; a girl not suited to him and his childhood teaching?" No doubt this is a serious problem. But fathers and mothers, who is to decide who is suited to your son? Who should know more what girl suits him than he himself? His early training will certainly put much into his life, but who is able to tell always who will make him the best wife? The purpose of marriage does not involve the parents of those who are marrying, but it is one of adjustment for those entering the marriage relation. The type of character to select from should be well embedded in the boy's mind, but for the parents to proceed to select the person to whom their son will be married is often dangerous to the success of that marriage.

But on this point I have more to say. Parents of sons marrying, or contemplating marriage, must understand that there is no partnership closer than that of marriage. Two people of different ideas and ideals will never accomplish successful marriage unless one or both have a very extraordinary disposition and ability to transform their lives. Parents should begin early in the life of their boys and girls to educate them to associate with those who have similar ideals and aspirations. As an example of what I mean, a Christian should associate with Christians. Boys from Christian homes should be encouraged by parents to select their life long companions from Christian homes because the ideals of those homes are similar and adjustment will be easier for both boy and girl. Furthermore, the Scriptures instruct Christians to marry Christians (2 Cor. 6:14). What yoke is greater than marriage as pertains to the body? But parents can not go further than to instruct their children in the seriousness of marriage.

It is difficult for fathers and mothers to force their desires in selection of mates upon the boy or girl after they have entered the period of engagement. The instruction in companionship must begin earlier. But where this teaching has been neglected in early childhood, and the young man and woman are now ready to be married, the forcing of parental decision upon them is dangerous. It will often result in a marriage failure for the young people. Many marriages have been broken and the lives of young men and women torn asunder by "nagging" parents. Parents turn their daughters against their husbands and their sons against their wives. Let us read from Titus 2 just here. "The aged women likewise, that they be in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine teachers of good things; that they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed" (Titus 2:3-5). Instead of trying to break up your daughter’s home, teach her the real purpose of marriage and try to help her make it a successful marriage. So a great fault in modern marriage is the failure of parents to teach their children the nature and purpose of marriage, and the failure to help them select their companions by keeping them in the right company that they may marry those who at least have a similar standard of living. But and if they marry someone who may not be approved by the parents, the parents should do all within their power to preserve the marriage and show them the real design.

Turning to the girl's side of marriage, we find many fathers especially who are never ready for their daughters to marry. To them no boy is suitable for their daughters. Instead of harboring this notion the father should learn that God intended them to marry unless it be under adverse circumstances, and to rear children. She will be happier in a successful marriage than to remain at home forever without the hope of security and happiness in their natural sphere. The wisdom here is to provide the right company for their daughters and assist them in every right way to obtain real happiness in life.

Of course no father and mother want to see their daughters in the company of evil and lustful boys. This is a thing to always avoid. Parents should and must teach their daughters that to yield to the demands of such evil boys debars them from the real design of happiness of marriage. Such boys are not looking for happiness and successful marriage. And should the boys make a thousand promises of marriage, girls should always resist the temptation and be warned against the danger of sexual relations before marriage. The way to correct this wrong involved in many marriages is to begin now to train the sons and daughters in the real design of marriage and the way to married happiness.

This has to do with the young men and women themselves. We cannot do very much to correct that which has already been torn asunder, but we should profit by the past and begin now to be concerned with the future. Many spoiled marriages have resulted from the failure of boys and girls to heed the advice of parents and older friends who were interested in them. We do not mean by this that the parents or friends should select their companions for them, but it does mean that advice from wiser and more experienced men and women is valuable. So often the end of a course can be seen by parents that can not be seen by younger men and women. It would be more profitable to these young people who contemplate marriage to seek advice and council from their parents than to depend entirely upon their own judgment in such a grave matter. The common practice of divorce has caused the young people to say to themselves: "If this does not work out, I can get a divorce and try again." This idea is the fruit of ignorance of the marriage contract. Marriage is a life long contract and cannot be broken at will. The fact that God intended marriage to be a life long union between the two makes it one of a most serious nature, and the idea that divorce is a way out of a mistaken marriage is erroneous. Everyone will account to God in the judgment for his or her conduct while here on earth (2 Cor. 5:10). There is no scriptural way out of the obligations of marriage once the two have been joined together without endangering their eternal welfare. That is what makes it serious. That is the mistake in hasty marriages of boys and girls who do not have a purpose in marriage more than to satisfy the lusts of passion. The pattern of modern society and lust-seekers have set a pace in divorce that causes the average young man and woman to disregard the seriousness of the marriage vows. The escape from this error is only in serious thought and purpose in marriage. Divorce would be a thing of the past if the young men and women would learn the real design of marriage and enter into it with the understanding of its permanency. In every divorce one or both parties are guilty of sin and will account to God for that sin. That is what makes marriage a serious thing.

From another viewpoint we observe this: it is not always expedient for a boy or girl to take the choice of their parents. In some cases it would be the wrong thing to do. However, they should consider the advice of parents, as well as that of other more experienced men and women. For a marriage to be successful each should make his own choice in selecting a mate, but be careful to apply the wisdom and advice of others more learned. Go into marriage with the understanding that it is for life.

This will be in part a repetition of some things already said. This mistake is in the idea that marriage is not permanent. Young people of this modern age go into marriage with the common idea that if it does not work out as they had supposed they can call the whole thing off. It is not that easy. They have been deceived by the common practice of prostitutes and whoremongers. Marriage in the sight of God is strictly a one-man and one-woman proposition. I am aware that the laws of the land permit divorce for just about every cause, but hear the words of the living God: "The wife is bound by the law as long as her husband liveth; but if her husband be dead, she is at liberty to be married to whom she will; only in the Lord" (1 Cor. 7:39). The same applies to the husband. He is bound to the wife as long as she lives. All other teaching in the Bible bears out this fact.

Christ gave his teaching on divorce and remarriage in the nineteenth chapter of Matthew. Divorce has become such a common practice among the people of this age that no longer do men and women treat the sacred vows of marriage as they once did, nor do they feel the responsibility of marriage as God intended. The question of divorce and remarriage has become such a frequent question to the general public that attention must be given it.

God hates all divorces because it impairs the beauty He gave to marriage in the beginning. There has never been a divorce that was altogether pleasing to God. One or both parties sinned and placed themselves in a dangerous position relative to eternity. With every divorce there is sin on the part of one or both of those implicated. The prophet Malachi expressed God's hatred for divorce in this way. "Yet ye say, Wherefore? Because the Lord hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou hast dealt treacherously: yet is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant. And did not he make one? Yet had he the residue of the spirit. And wherefore one? That he might seek a godly seed. Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously against the wife of his youth. For the Lord, the God of Israel, saith that he hateth putting away: for one covereth violence with his garment, saith the Lord of hosts: therefore take heed to your spirit, that ye deal not treacherously" (Malachi 2:14-16). The "putting away" is shown to be divorce in Matthew 19. What God hates cannot please Him. If we could see the evils of divorce and its consequences we would certainly flee from it. (Read chapter on Divorce and Remarriage).

Every marriage should be planned with the understanding that it is for life. With such a view there will be more careful planning and selection, and the result will be permanency of the marriage relations.

This wrong has to do with a misconception of married life. The young man can visualize himself as a great success in every thing with the girl of his dreams. He can see nothing but favorable conditions all the way through life. The young woman dreams of a life of romance with every happiness she can think of. This is a deceptive beginning for marriage. If the problems of life were taken into consideration, and the issues squarely met in purpose before the marriage takes place, both husband and wife would be qualified to meet these problems without disaster to their marriage. These are conditions in every marriage that are too often overlooked, and when they arise unexpectedly the result is often a divorce or a miserable life for both.

You who contemplate marriage look at both sides of your intended adventure. There is a side hidden from the delightful moments when marriage is planned between two people. That side is the one that causes the trouble later. Differences of opinion will arise in every such union, but planning before time will help to solve them. Dislikes must be molded into agreements. This looks small when the two first desire marriage, and the great wrong is failing to consider them then. Two people who wisely consider their problems of married life and make allowances for them by building a program as best they can before marriage will reap the fruits of a successful marriage. Again this brings us to the design of marriage. Without an understanding of this design at the beginning of marriage the partnership is doomed to many heartaches from the very beginning.

Perhaps the most deceptive thing in planning marriage is the predominating sexual attraction. This is most always present whether we are aware of it or not. It is the very thing that draws man and woman together. This sensitivity should and must be put in its place from the beginning of marriage planning so that it will not overshadow the other vital factors of successful marriage. One may contemplate perfect unity between himself and his wife in this respect but later learn his error. Even the sexual side of marriage has its place and function in a successful marriage. More will be said on this matter when we study that section.

The divorce courts are filled with men and women who are not willing to adjust their dispositions to harmonize with that of their mates. By this we mean a willingness to "give a little" on some matters. A girl who has been "spoiled" at home expects to be "spoiled" in marriage, and this is sometimes done, especially if the husband has been trained to do all the giving. Then sometimes we find a man who will not "budge an inch" to try to agree with his wife because he has always had his way before marriage. When two people are found with this disposition the marriage is doomed to despair.

Let me point out a few of the dispositions that are adverse to happy marriages. First, the disposition to dominate the mate. This is perhaps the most common of all. The wife imposes upon the good nature of her husband and being assured that he loves her, she will try to dominate him in all things. For a while this succeeds, but finally it results in dissatisfaction and resentment. You know the end. Again, the husband will impose upon the sweet disposition of his wife, and sporting himself as the head of the house, he tries to become the master to a slave or so he thinks. The result is a failure in marriage.

We read so much in the papers of mental cruelty and physical violence as a cause of divorce. This is such a common occurrence in marriage that most divorces are given for this cause. This type of disposition can be eliminated by an understanding of the design of marriage and the obligations of each to the marriage vows.

Second, the disposition to prey upon the sympathy of the mate. This is usually characteristic of women. They have learned to use their womanly traits to create pity for themselves. No man likes to live with his wife just out of pity for her; he must have more than pity to make him happy in marriage. A complaining wife, always trying to create pity for herself, will soon find that she has lost the love of her husband. Pity does not bind the marriage union -- love does that. The same principle applies for the man seeking pity from his wife. We must learn that marriage is built upon love, not pity. Love contains pity when pity is needed, but love must dominate for marriage to be successful.

The disposition to be independent of the mate is a third type that is disastrous to happy marriage. A few thoughts on this will cover the entire range. Many times the husband tries to live his life without regard for his wife. He tries to live as he did before marriage. If he pleases to go out at night, he goes, disregarding all consideration for his wife. The wife regards not her husband in her course of life. It is not possible that marriage can be successful and happy under this plan, for the matrimonial obligations so bind the two together that neither can regard himself entirely independent of the other. In as much as the two are life long companions and each is obligated to the other for life, all things in the way of work and play must be considered by each with regard to the other. Neither husband nor wife should be required to give in to the mate in all things; neither should either be required to have his or her way in all matters of their married life.

Fourth, the disposition to be indifferent to the likes and desires of the companion. No man or woman can enter marriage with the disposition to be indifferent to the duties of marriage and expect a happy marriage. There are certain obligations that the husband owes to his wife, and the husband cannot enter marriage without thought to them. The wife likewise owes certain obligations to her husband that must be fulfilled. A failure to recognize them and perform them is usually disastrous to marriage, especially if the man and woman are young in years. These are all points that parents should well impress upon their sons and daughters in helping them prepare for marriage.

Fifth, the disposition to enter marriage with the idea that if things do not work as you wish them, divorce will solve the problem. This disposition is fatal to marriage from the beginning. We must learn that divorce does NOT solve marriage troubles, but rather jeopardizes the lives and happiness of both parties. The entering into marriage with the understanding of its permanency is a solution to this problem.

Other types and degrees of destructive dispositions in marriage will be studied as we consider other matters in the marriage relation, but these are enough to tell that a wrong in modern marriage is adverse dispositions to the fulfillment of matrimonial obligations on the part of one or both of the parties entering marriage.

Many failures in marriage can be accounted for by in-law interference. Marriage does not involve the parents of either husband or wife. Unless advice is requested by either or both of the young people, the parents of both parties should and must keep out of their affairs. It is difficult to show a mother that her daughter is able to make her own decisions in marriage, or able to adjust herself without her mother's aid, but often such interference is disastrous to the marriage. The husband resents the control of his wife by her mother or father. The wife likewise resents a dominating mother or father of her husband. The parents of young married people will be more helpful by keeping out of their affairs. Advice is good, but do not impose it upon others unless requested.

But in many cases the young wife seeks the advice and sympathy of her mother or father if all things in her marriage do not go exactly as she desires them. The wise thing for that mother to do is to follow the advice of inspiration and teach her to love her own husband and children (Titus 2). A mother should make sure she gives her daughter the advice that will make her marriage secure if possible. It sometimes occurs that the young lady marries one against the advice and will of her parents and the usual thing for them to do is to try to persuade the daughter to break with her husband.

On the other hand, sometimes the husband has been a "mother's boy" and has always depended upon his mother to instruct him. The wife resents secret advice of such a nature, and this will often result in a disagreement and even divorce. Every case has its own solution, but with a few principles each can be solved without disaster to the marriage. Let each of the young people solve their own problems, if possible, and all will be better. The marriage union only involves the two who are married and not either of their parents. The sooner this is recognized the sooner this wrong will vanish. Divorce is never a solution. See always the permanency of marriage and leave the young wife and husband to adjust themselves and all will be well. Would fathers and mothers appreciate someone interfering in their marriage union? Certainly not! Then they should try to have this same view toward their daughter's marriage. A careful instruction before marriage, concerning its design, will cause to cease this interference by in-laws and others in the marriage of young people.

This is one of the most common errors in modern marriage. In order to escape the arms of the law and the condemnation by society many young men and women enter marriage for the sole purpose of gratifying the passions of the flesh. This is perhaps the most erroneous position one could take toward marriage. Such a marriage is doomed to despair unless the other motives in marriage are recognized early. Sexual expression is certainly one purpose of marriage, but it is not the ONLY one. Unless there is more to marriage than this, when the passions are gratified, the two feel as shameful toward each other as prostitutes and whoremongers after the physical act. When the newness of such lusts are past the marriage is despised, and the working of discontentment and dissatisfaction begin. A knowledge of the design of marriage will dissolve this condition. Civilization cannot be preserved upon this conception of marriage because it is barbaric in its nature. Youth must be awakened to the decency of marriage, and to show more than sexual lust in it in order to preserve it as God would have it. The chapter on The Design Of Marriage will show more clearly the error of this idea.

Reputation is gained for many by the number of times they have been married. But such a reputation is not as decent as some suppose. A prostitute may boast of the number of men she has taken unto herself, but what kind of reputation is it? Would decent people associate with such a person? One who boasts of the number of times he or she has been married boasts as the prostitute, only under the disguise of marriage.

Some of the prominent of Hollywood advertise the number and variety of marriages they have had. It seems to them (and to many young people under their influence) that such is a mark of greatness or popularity. In the true light of marriage and its design such actions only display the fact that most of them, if not all, were dominated by the sexual urge rather than the real design of marriage. Let us not follow such patterns, but rather show our knowledge and respect of real marriage by learning and living the real design of marriage. If some must be brutes and indecent, why engage in the sacred vows of marriage when we only look forward to and for the gratifying of the lusts of the body, having no further respect for the vows taken in marriage? Unless this erroneous idea of marriage is eradicated fully we can hope for nothing better than the wreckage of thousands of lives of boys and girls yearly. Without the proper design of marriage this wrong will continue.

Nearly everyone knows of some innocent and pure baby brought into this world unwanted. These children have little chance in life because they were hated even before birth. This is a most grave problem. Certain reasons may be given for not wanting children, but certainly one of the real blessings of marriage is the children born into that home. No power known to man can bind a man and woman closer than the one flesh in the form of a babe coming into the home. There in the body of that child flows the blood of both, and as long as that child lives no power of man can separate the blood of that union. This fulfills one of the purposes of marriage and sets before the new parents a new and live motive for attaining successful marriage.

Some of the so-called reasons for not bringing children into the world are ridiculous. Some say, "I don't know whether we can make a go of our marriage, and I don't want to have children involved in a divorce to be left without a father or a mother." Such a disposition as this shows that marriage was not entered with an understanding of its design. It would have been better for both parties to remain single than to have profaned the marriage vows with such a view. That is one reason why children should be planned in every marriage, so that the vows may become more sacred and the purpose and worth of marriage can be attained.

Others say: "I do not want children because they will disturb our good times while we are young." It is strange that people can realize marriage and not have a clear conception of what a "good time" really is. Ask that young man and woman who have brought into the world a fine, healthy youngster what a good time is. They will tell you that they could never realize a greater pleasure than to watch their own flesh and blood bloom from innocent helplessness into the sweet maneuvering of childhood. Their aims and purposes blend into one in the obligations to their children. Happiness for real marriage does not come in the pernicious dives of modern entertainment, but in the homes blessed with wanted children. The divorce courts would have little to do if more thought were given to the rearing of children and less time devoted to personal and selfish gratification of the flesh in intoxicating drink and dance. Most men and women do not play with deadly snakes because they know they are poisonous, yet they dabble in a much more dangerous thing - the modern dance and drink. This is responsible for more wrecked homes and lives than any other thing known to man.

Still others say: "We cannot afford children; they are so costly and place such an obligation upon parents in this day that we do not want them." That is exactly what helps to make happiness in marriage - the obligations and duties. It is said that mules cannot kick when pulling, neither can two yoked together in marriage kick and find fault with each other when they have a load to pull together. The real design in marriage locks the man and woman together in such a way that divorce is out of the question when they undertake the obligations of marriage.

Many other excuses have been given for not bringing children into the home, and I suppose some of them may appear genuine to many, but space does not permit the recording of them here. Enough has been said to show the disaster of a home that does not want the blessing of marriage in children. Some, of course, cannot physically bring children into the world. A second best thing is to adopt a child or two and then enjoy as never before the blessing of the marriage union. The planning of a marriage to include children will generally result in a successful and happy union.

Those who marry for the prime purpose of obtaining security and money will sooner or later reap the fruits of deception. Few marriages result in happiness when the dominating factor is the wealth of the mate. Greed never produces anything but disappointment and sorrow. That should be well taught by the parents of young men and women who are at the age to contemplate marriage. Such false impressions of security will develop a complex on the part of the one marrying for money, which will show itself in due time. No real purpose in marriage ever includes these desires.

It is in order here to read a few verses from the word of God to establish the error of this idea. "But they that will be rich fall into temptation and a snare, and into many foolish and hurtful lusts, which drown men in destruction and perdition. For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows" (1 Timothy 6:9-10). "Charge them that are rich in this world, that they be not highminded, nor trust in uncertain riches, but in the living God, who giveth us richly all things to enjoy" (1 Timothy 6:17). The love for money that leads one to profane the vows of marriage to obtain it will result in great disappointment and grief. Many failures in modern marriage can be attributed to the desire and longing for money. The design in marriage does not include the aggravated love for money.

No failure is greater than that of self deceit. When one party in marriage thinks only of himself and fails to try to understand the view of the other, disappointment is sure. We must understand each other to succeed even in business or play, and certainly understanding is a quality of successful marriage. It is sometimes the case that the husband will not try to reason and view a matter from his wife's standpoint. His only purpose is to accomplish his own desires. In as much as the natural sphere of man and woman is much different, and their walks of life do not always parallel, certain adjustments must be made with concessions given by both. The wife sometimes feels that her husband is never considerate of her. She has failed to view his side of life. Now when both learn that marriage happiness depends upon understanding each other in their place and work in life, failures will be fewer. Judges in divorce courts have learned that in many cases a revealing of one's problems to the other, making one party in marriage understand the other party's views and problems, will settle a would be divorce. Many have left the court room in agreement because they have been made to understand each other better. Even this much court procedure can be avoided if both of the two to be married will take this fact into consideration when they plan their marriage. Let us right this wrong in marriage by trying to understand each other better.

Dissatisfaction has occurred from the modern marriage because one of the parties involved was not willing to share his or her part of the obligations. A most distasteful situation is when the wife is too lazy to prepare the meals in the home or will not keep the home clean for her family. Filthiness is entirely uncalled for and conducive to wrecked marriages. The husband appreciates an industrious wife and will go to any length to show his appreciation. Likewise, the wife appreciates an assiduous husband. It takes the work of both to complete the successful marriage.

An understanding of the responsibilities of each will go far to eliminate divorce and failure in marriage. It is the ordinary work and place of the woman to keep the home, especially where children are involved. Few man can successfully accomplish this work. A man's place and work is to provide the essentials for the wife and children. In the planning of marriage this should be profoundly considered, and both should understand and be willing to accept his or her share of the responsibility to make a happy and successful home. The appointment of duty demands concern and careful design of both husband and wife. A false impression is that marriage is a bed of roses with little obligation on the part of either, or that one is to carry the whole load of responsibility, while the other is indisposed to the obligations.

This serious problem is a danger to happy marriages because often there seems no way of escape from it. One in the marriage relation makes demands of the other that are unreasonable, which often creates hate for the sexual side of marriage in the other. Temperance is a thing involved here. No man and woman should permit themselves to go untrained to the point where restraint is impossible. Some men act as beasts, making demands upon their wives that are not reasonable. This adjustment is one that must be made by both parties, and one that cannot be made until after marriage. On the other hand, some women are not reasonable in performing their matrimonial duties to their husbands. Of course this same principle can be turned around and applied to the husbands in performing their matrimonial duties to the wife. As a purpose of marriage is to reasonably and rightfully find expression for the sexual drives, it should be reasonably performed, but the purpose should not be imposed upon and brought down to the level of animals. The great error here is the idea that the wife is an instrument whereby the husband can gratify his lusts and have no more use for her until his passion again arises, or that the wife can gratify her lusts and have no more use for her husband. The other extreme, of course, being that one will not discharge his or her duty in this respect. A reasonable and temperate engagement in sexual expression will bring happiness and love to any marriage. If we let our other fleshly drives run wild as some do their sexual lusts this world would be a horrible place in which to live. This is a personal and private adjustment that none but the two are concerned with. If either or both need assistance in this adjustment the most advisable thing to do would be to see a good physician and follow his advice.

Some suppose that over-indulgence is better than indifference, but the facts are that both are dangerous to marriage, and that neither is proper. The best assurance to a happy marriage is to find a temperate practice that both can adjust themselves to and follow that course. In our study of marriage duties this will be further considered and discussed.

The inability to adjust one's self to the hardships and disappointments of life will many times dissolve the unity of marriage. Children should be taught from an early age that all things will not be pleasant and easy; there comes a time in the life of everyone when things seem to turn against them. Even before marriage this is a problem. Before marriage, however, the hardship is easier to deal with because only the one is involved, but after marriage these hardships must be met with an even temper by both, and in consideration of both.

The hardships I refer to include the financial problems. Often the young man and woman entering marriage do not have much money to meet their financial needs; the occupation of the young man does not secure his wife and himself in all their needs or wants. These disappointments many times lead to a wrecked marriage. To face the fact, the average young man does not have much security before entering marriage. His inexperience and short time for saving limits his income and savings. His wife should understand that this can grow into an unhappy situation unless she helps him meet the problem with determination, and goes with him through this hardship of assembling security for later necessities, and not allowing this to cause her to forget that such hardships build real unity in marriage. In the preparation for marriage allowances should be made for these possibilities. The young man entering marriage should learn before time that paternal obligations contain many hardships that he together with his wife must solve. The young lady should learn that all things her heart desires cannot come immediately; she must patiently work with her husband to obtain what they mutually desire.

Hardships involve sickness and accidents that come to many. In all marriage vows this expectancy is included and both man and woman make the promise to keep the companion during these days of adversity. This error in modern marriage can be overcome by careful planning and going into the marriage with the understanding that they must come sooner or later. When they do come do not permit them to dissolve the marriage.

Often this is unintentional on the part of the offender, but it results in many broken homes. Men who work with other women should always keep in mind that they owe allegiance to one woman above all others -- their wives. All intimate associations should be avoided with other women which might develop into a disloyalty to the mate in marriage. It may not be intended to create offence, but it usually does, and rightly so. No respectable woman wishes her husband to become the personal property of another woman, neither does a man want his wife to become too familiar with another man. Thousands of marriages are dissolved because the man found someone he loved better, or a wife found another man who suits her better than her husband. What a pity that humanity has become so barbarous that this is offered in the divorce courts as a reason for separation and divorce! Where is honor and decency? Where is respect and purpose? What has happened to man's word of honor that he will make solemn vows in the presence of God and man and then so disregard them as to leave his wife for such a cause?

In this modern age of gossip and talebearing the wives hear many things that cause them to lose respect for their husbands, or the husbands hear things that destroy the love for their wives. But much of this is true, and the fact that it is true causes doubt from the beginning. Wives find employment and soon find that flirtation or coquetry is a popular pastime. Such men are not gentlemen, and such women are not ladies.

Intimacies form when the design of marriage is lost. No more do men and women regard the sanctity of their home life in the light of design in marriage. The most popular beginning of such intimacies is on the dance floor, whether we like it or not. No decent man or woman wants his wife or husband to be in the arms of another, but they do so in the modern dance. It is an innocent thing at first appearance, but what a great thing it develops into! Men, think of the woman you first loved, the woman with whom you made plans to become your lifelong companion, the woman you stood beside at the time of marriage and promised before God and man to love and cherish her until the end, the woman who was destined to belong to you only, to mother your children. Could you honestly appreciate some other man holding that woman in his arms, pulling her close to him in a very sexual embrace, with only their scant clothing between them, with his leg between her legs in dance? These are plain facts. Could your confidence and love of marriage continue? The next step, after deadening the conscience by intoxicating drink, is the actual indulgence in sexual intercourse. Is that kind of entertainment conducive to happy marriage? I deny it; and the record will prove me right. This modern dance has resulted in more divorces than all other causes added together.

On the other hand, Women, can you imagine your husband, the father of your children, holding another thinly clad woman in his arms and still holding the respect for marriage and his promises to you when you two were married? Can one abstain from the sin of adultery, at least in heart, under such a course of life? Hear the word of Christ: "Ye have heard that it was said by them of old times, Thou shalt not commit adultery: But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart" (Matt. 5:27- 28). The intimacies that come on the dance floor are destructive to happy and successful marriages, because the temptation for sexual lusts is too great there. Men and women cannot indulge in the modern dance without breaking some of their marriage vows.

Again, sometimes young married people become too intimate with others in social affairs and recreation. Association is helpful and wholesome, but it should be restricted to honor and decency. Nothing should be said or done that would cause the loss of respect that others may have for you, especially your mate. Determination and temperance in marriage will eliminate this error in modern marriage.

If young men and women will cultivate their first devotion, and enter marriage with a desire and understanding that it is for life, the matter of intimacies with the opposite sex will become dead. We ought to look upon the dance and intoxicating drink as the most deadly agent known to man in destroying the marriage relation.

Malice is not a disposition that is conducive to happy marriage. This destructive element in modern marriage occurs mostly among the younger people - those of high school age and early college age - but it is sometimes found among those of the older group who should better know the design of true marriage, having had time to regulate their emotions. If no purpose more than to find expression for rancor against a former lover is the motive in marriage, that marriage is sure to fail because it is not founded upon love. This venture demonstrates an utter lack of knowledge of the design of marriage. Marriage can go no further than its purpose.

Boys and girls often marry to spite their parents for a correction or restraint. I suppose a certain amount of this will always be, but we ought to teach these young men and women just how sacred that relationship is. I believe if this were true, less marrying would be done just for spite against the parents. When such does occur there is only one thing to do: try to adjust your life to meet the requirements of marriage. he parents can do no more than exert every effort to assist the young people to accept their responsibilities of married life.

I believe it can be said with accuracy that the failure to see the solemnity of marriage is the real cause of men and women marrying out of malice. Nothing is to be gained, except the possibility of a wrecked home, by this motive in marriage. False infatuation, mistaken for love, sometimes leads to marriage for spite when one becomes despondent and careless at the other's marriage to another. A marriage for spite is not a prepared one and not one that will see the true design of marriage, thus making that marriage weak from the beginning. We can do but little about this after it has happened, but we can take time and effort to show to the unmarried the danger and foolishness of marrying for spite.

Most people who are involved in this error do not realize it. An industrious person is likely to unconsciously allow his business to overshadow his matrimonial duties. The wife may seldom complain, but the evidence of the marriage growing cold should awaken him to his responsibilities. There is a time for all things. There is a time for work and a time to attend to the other things of life. The close companionship of husband and wife will forever seal the possibilities of a wrecked home. When a man's business keeps him from attending to his husbandly and fatherly duties, it is time for a change in his business, because his marriage is by far more important to him than his business.

On the other side we often find wives forgetting their duties as wives and staying so busy with social affairs and home keeping that the real and personal companionship to their husbands is growing cold. Social work (some of it) is good, but to allow it to occupy so much of the wife's time that she forgets her responsibility as a wife is often disastrous to marriages. Each has his own problem, and with the assistance of the companion each can solve that problem. Let us put things in their respective places, and see that time is spent in building real purposeful marriages instead of unstable, reckless unions that eventually destroy at least two lives.

Most all people have tempers to some degree, but some seem not to be able to control them. Certainly a wife and husband will not see eye to eye in all matters all through life, but a more suitable solution is at hand than to seek impulsive revenge that brings sorrow later. It never really satisfies the hurt done to you, nor is it lasting. An error of the husband is never corrected by a wild and thoughtless act of revenge by the wife. Neither is a mistake corrected by the husband when he seeks revenge on his wife.

Some wise man in the past said the best policy in marriage is for the two never to get angry at the same time. I think that is a good rule to make at the very beginning of marriage, but permit me to add one to that. When you become angry with your mate, take at least 24 hours to think before acting, during which time consider your own faults. By that time no revenge will be desired.

Impulsive revenge includes such acts as this: destroying furniture or personal belongings of the mate; throwing away money or other security in a wasteful manner; physical maltreatment to the mate; blasphemous tales regarding the character of the mate; deserting the mate even to divorce; intimate relations with one of the opposite sex; indulging in destructive drink; declining to perform the marriage obligations and many other similar acts. Men and women who are old enough to enter marriage should know better than to play the child in such a manner. Believing that time and effort will adjust all misunderstandings, we suggest that impulsive revenge be discarded by both husband and wife.

During the courtship both man and woman place in first position their appearance. No young lady wishes her prospective husband to see her in retirement attire, neither does she want to be seen in regular work dress. She strives to look her best at all times. The same principle generally applies to the man. They do not expect after marriage to always be dressed as they were previous to marriage before each other, but there is a certain degree of respect in dress that should continue after marriage. Every young man falls in love with his wife's appearance as well as with her person. To preserve that love the young wife should appear as neat and attractive as possible under all circumstances. That always helps to keep alive the first love. The same thing goes for the husband. He should preserve his manly dignity and dress. Of course after marriage they both will assume the role of natural living, but that does not mean that either should be shabby or indecent in dress. Each should strive to keep alive that respect and love that existed during the engagement period before marriage. A wife enjoys the compliments of others regarding her husband; she appreciates being with him in the presence of others when he appears as he did before marriage. Remember, this was one of the factors that caused her to love him in the beginning. This is likewise true of the wife. Improper and indecent dress promotes low morals and disrespect.

This appears to be a little thing, but its influence has a great bearing on the successful marriage. Habits that may have been formed before marriage should be regulated to keep from destroying the love and respect of the mate. For an example, the use of tobacco is sometimes offensive to the mate. To jeopardize marriage happiness with such is to fail to realize the real value of marriage.

A great deal of this could be avoided if these habits were considered when planning marriage. The young lady who does not approve of smoking should select a young man who does not smoke. This is a safer and easier course than to try to reform the young man after marriage. That can seldom be done.

Intoxicating drink is another habit that is both offensive and destructive to marriage as well as to the body of the user. Perhaps most of the divorces of today find their beginning in the evil habit of drink. No young lady can find happiness with a "drunken" husband, unless she too is addicted to the filthy beverage, and then neither can prove true to their marriage vows. The children in such homes are to be pitied.

Intoxicating drink is more than the ruin of marriages, it ruins lives of all who engage. How many times have we read of one pleading innocent to the murder of his wife on the grounds that "he was drunk and did not know what he was doing"? How many times have we read of a mother pleading innocent to the murder or injury of her children because "I was drunk"? No man or woman is EVER innocent of any crime or offence on the grounds that "he was drunk." He is all the more guilty because he was drunk. If the habits of drink were stopped, more than half the divorces and broken homes would never be. Drink leads to murder, rape, maltreatment and many other offenses that destroy the marriage unions.

But the habits that hinder happiness in marriage are not always of an immoral nature; they sometimes are little offences that grow into big things. The habit of failing to do some duty may become a malignant danger to the marriage. Good habits should take the place of destructive habits. A joint participation in those things that are pleasing to both will absolve most of the habits that offend. Where two personalities are involved as in marriage, certain concessions must be made by both. No partnership is more personal than marriage. A willingness to destroy old
habits that offend and supplant them with new and better ones that transform into compatibility will go far to attain real happiness in marriage.

No disposition is more distasteful and destroying than a fault finder. It is much better to find and display the good traits in one's mate than to always seek out and pick at the faults. No man, save Jesus Christ, ever lived to the age to be married that didn't have some faults. We are all guilty. But we do not appreciate others continually picking them out and presenting them to others. One is always ready to excuse himself for whatever fault he may have, but never ready to excuse another. He finds no fault with himself, but how exalted are the faults of others!

The fault finding wife takes advantage of the gossip sessions to expose every little unpleasant trait of her husband. She is never able to see that she may have many faults more distasteful than her husband. Sometimes these faults are exposed for revenge, sometimes because of habits formed by the wife. Do not suppose from this that all wives are fault finders; some are not. Sometimes it is the husband who is the guilty one. Husbands who complain about the cooking, find fault with his wife's people, or who hammer at petty habits of the wife are grave offenders. Faults can always be found if one looks long enough; furthermore, they can be found in everybody. The fault finder himself probably has more than the one with whom he finds fault.

The marriage union involves two distinct personalities. After marriage they are as much individuals as before marriage. Their individual personalities and characteristics are not changed by marriage, so as long as a man and a woman are parties of marriage, and it can never be otherwise; there will be faults in both. Faults, of course, should be corrected as soon as possible, but one in marriage should not suppose that his mate has all the faults and he has none, or that by exposing them before others he can correct them. It is much easier and more pleasant to exalt the good virtues in one's mate than to always be finding fault. Much misunderstanding and heartaches could be eliminated by this simple procedure than by fault finding. A wonderful source of happiness could be realized by a continual renewing of New Year's resolutions along this line.

Many modern marriages do not last because the participants did not give enough time to consider their marriage. There are a number of reasons given for quick marriages, some not worthy of consideration here, but let us observe a few.

High school infatuation is perhaps the most prominent of all. The ages of young men and women in high school do not permit them to be able to reason all things through. The sugar-coating of marriage and the idea of independence leads them into the yoke before proper understanding is reached. An untrained parent of a highly emotional boy or girl will quicken marriage at this age. Sometimes a false idea of security will hasten marriage among these young people. A careful course of training by parents and teachers will eliminate much of these quick marriages among this group.

Over-sexual boys and girls will result in quick marriages. When two such people come in contact with each other, the first impulse is to marry that their sexual drives may be gratified. After gratification the union is often disregarded, though not always. A realization that marriage is not only for sexual gratification will go far to correct this mistake. Quick marriages do not always end in divorce or unhappiness, but here is a very dangerous point to consider. It goes without denying that most quick marriages are made without proper planning and serious consideration of the design of marriage. Too much is involved for such a short notice in completing the vows.

Opposition of parents or others often results in quick marriages. It is far better and wiser to try to understand the young couple to be married than to violently oppose them and drive them into quick marriages without proper preparation. Often a father forbids his daughter to see a certain young man. The most common result is that she will marry the young man as quickly as possible that she may see him under protection of law. This does not always mean a wrecked home, but the possibilities of success are much smaller than it would be if careful planning were made. Much as in the case of other affairs of life, the more the opposition the more determined are the young men and women. By seeing the end of such opposition, all parents should educate their children in matrimonial duties and responsibilities and try to understand and advise them in the right manner.

Competition in love many times hastens marriage to a dangerous point. Two young men competing for one girl will finally develop a sudden marriage for one of them, or another young man, with the girl. Competitive spirit is agreeable to a point, but without proper training it may result in a wrecked home. Winning a young lady is a joyful blessing in courtship, but it should not go without proper preparation toward the obligations both assume with the vows. An enlightenment of the seriousness of the marriage relations and responsibilities will cause more concern in competition.

Intoxicating drinks result in the most disastrous quick marriage. We sometimes hear a man or a woman remark: "I awoke and found myself married to. . . ." Many times the two met at some dive and under the influence of the poisonous drink were married within a few hours after meeting. You tell me this type of marriage was what God intended? Can a decent marriage continue under such profane and unholy handling of the marriage vows? This type of marriage is doomed to divorce from the very beginning. I suppose little can be done for such people who will so mistreat the sacred union as to go into it under intoxicating drink, because they will not listen to reason regarding the intoxicating drink. Sacred things mean very little to them. If ever a man and woman should be sober and at their most solemn moment it is when they enter marriage; it involves their entire lives.

Another dangerous quick marriage is that in which sexual relations were engaged before marriage and pregnancy effected. The frightened unwed expectant mother demands marriage to keep her honor among friends and relatives. If she cannot immediately persuade the boy responsible for her pregnancy to marry her, she will marry another as soon as possible without him knowing of her condition. We can see from here that the possibilities of success in this marriage are few. Even if she persuaded the boy responsible for her pregnancy to marry her, both will do so without regard to their responsibilities more than to hide their shame. Every young girl should be shown this danger from early girlhood. There is no "safe" way to indulge in this sinful practice. Life long fears and humiliations accompany this sort of marriage.

Some quick marriages come because the young people have not been taught the seriousness and permanency of marriage. They enter the union believing that divorce is always handy and will solve any mistake of a quick marriage. We say again that divorce is never a solution to any mistake in marriage. It only adds sin to sin, and brings marriage to a low beastly level.

This has been touched in several of the previous thoughts in this chapter, but its nature suggests additional consideration. Unprepared marriage is simply a marriage without design or purpose. The two entering marriage have not prepared themselves to meet the duties of the vows. They have made no plans for future living together.

Prepared marriage demands a prepared bride and groom. A groom who realizes the grave step in life he is taking; the duties to be performed by him, and the preparation of himself to face and deal wisely with all matrimonial problems. A bride who understands that she is obligating herself to one man, realizing that true motherhood depends upon her, that her duties cannot be neglected. Preparation demands a number of things that we will deal with more fully in the chapter on Preparation For Marriage.

Unprepared marriages usually grow out of the lack of childhood training by parents. The young man or woman may see the beauty of his or her father's marriage without understanding the necessary preparation that went to make that marriage what it is. He may long for marriage because his life has been blessed by being in such a beautiful union, but unless he is made to understand the things that go to make up the happy marriage he may be disappointed in his own marriage. We can only go back to the fact that design in marriage is what makes it successful. A failure to see design is an unprepared marriage, and an unprepared marriage is a mistake in modern marriages.

Easy divorces are most disastrous to modern marriage. The most binding contract on earth has become the easiest to break in several states. Just about any reason can be given and divorce can be obtained by the laws of the land. But I must issue a grave warning here: though the laws of some states permit divorce for about every cause, the Creator of man and the Builder of marriage has a law governing marriage that cannot be broken. His law will finally judge all men regardless of nationality or race. Hear these words: "What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder" (Matt. 19:6). Jesus gave only one cause for divorce, that being fornication (Matt. 19:9). And that means FORNICATION, not a fraud like many engage in to establish the Bible cause for divorce. Even in this the guilty one can never remarry without condemning himself to eternal punishment. Divorce is not easy, despite the claims of some. Divorce ought to be made exceedingly difficult in every state, then many marriages would be saved. Petty misunderstandings would be erased if divorces were more difficult to obtain. Easy divorce is a snare of deception to men and women entering marriage, and is the cause of many failures in modern marriage.

This evil does not effect the men and women who profess and strive to live by the Bible. It does, however, have a great effect on many young men and women influenced by evil men and women and the centers of present day style and custom. The low standard of morals is derived by casting out God in the lives of men and women, and then accepting the standard of infamous doctrines derived by setting free the animal passions of the body. When style, custom and civil laws lower the standards of morality, certainly the marriage relations will be affected adversely by it. We must begin to raise our standard of morals, and about the best place to begin would be in the home life. Low morals cause the loss of respect, and when respect for marriage is gone what have we left?

This low standard of morals includes the disrespect for parental guidance, the lack of shame for indecent dress, the lack of remorse for vulgar language, the desire for sexual and lustful entertainment and pastime, and a disrespect for Christianity. When young men and women fall to the low level of entertaining the animal lusts for recreation, and seeking only present and fleshly gratification, the end of civilization is near. The enemies of democracy know this to be the weakest point in our standard of living, and there they make their first attack. If the homes of this country fall, the nation is lost and freedom is doomed.

We must begin by preserving the marriage. A safe-guard against wrecked marriages is a higher standard of morals. Negligence of parents to hold high this standard of morals before their children is most disastrous to modern marriage. If fathers and mothers would live a better moral life before their children and cease dabbling with immorality, the standard of the next generation would be surprisingly high. Marriage as God intended it can never survive under the present declining standard of morals. An evil in present marriage is immorality among young men and women.

When God is completely left out of the marriage, the blessings of marriage turn into a curse. No man or woman can live in complete happiness together or apart without God. Observe the heathen countries of the world if you doubt this fact. God cannot be left out of marriage and it become successful because He ordained and organized marriage. The very nature of marriage must include its Creator. No purpose can be shown without the God who created marriage.

I realize that many more marriages begin without God than there are that include Him; and that is the reason I include here a great wrong that has been proved by the past record. The number of wrecked homes in this country each month is astounding. I am confident that if God had been included in those marriages the results would have been quite different. Success can only be achieved by purpose and work. If a genuine effort should be made toward a regaining of the real design of marriage, and upon the principles of God's word, there would be many more happy and successful marriages. Building marriage upon the design and pattern that God established is what I mean by including God in the marriage. It must be done to preserve marriage.

Go to the next chapter.

Credit H.E. Phillips and HEPhillips.org
What's Wrong With Modern Marriage?
For copyright information see HEPhillips.org/copyright.